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Angry Guacamole

by @boredsilly

I get a lot of compliments with this and I believe that's due to the process I've polished in the tips and tricks section. The dish is angry because if you like it spicy like me, your backside will be. This recipe allows for whatever level of heat you can tolerate so don't worry if you aren't a chili head. It may call for a lot of cilantro but even haters don't seem to notice because they're processed so well.

Serves 8 to 10


Preparation Tips and Tricks: [Read this section first]

Cilantro: Hate destemming cilantro like I do? BEFORE you wash it, use a fork to rake down the length of the bunch from the base toward the end. It will pull off the leaves and only some of the stems. You only then have to process a few stems. You don't wash the leaves first or those little bastards will stick to everything. I then throw the destemmed cilantro leaves in a colander and wash them at the end. Remember, the stems are bitter so remove as many as possible for the best flavor.

Jalapeños: When choosing Jalapeño chilies, keep in mind they get progressively hotter the older they get. As they age, they develop little white lines and flecks running down the length of the pepper. The smoother the pepper, the younger and milder it is. The more white lines there are, the older and hotter. This is just a general rule that seems to work when trying to find hot or mild peppers. Also, the heat of the chili is in the seeds and membrane.

Processing the veggies: I double process all of the onions, chilies, and cilantro to make a smoother guacamole. By double processing, I mean I use a Hand Food Chopper (which sends the dogs into a frenzy and gives me schadenfreude) and then put the resulting mess into a motorized food shredder. Use whatever tactics you feel is best to reduce the size of veggies down to as small as possible. It doesn't have to be a paste. I start with the cilantro so the following ingredients help extract the sticky cilantro leaves from the chopper.

Habaneros (optional): Remove their top stems, process, and add them one at a time at the end to control the heat level.

Keep it from turning gray: If you need to wait a couple hours before serving, store the finished product in an airtight container(s) with no room for air and refrigerate. The lime juice will help slow the graying and some say the avocado pits help as well. You can then dish it in a bowl when the time comes to serve it.


  1. Process the cilantro, onion(s), and chilies as described above and place them in a bowl.
  2. Cut the avocados in half, remove the pits, and scoop out the flesh into the bowl
  3. Hand stir until everything is evenly mixed. Do not put the avocados in the food processor or it will turn it into a sauce!
  4. Add garlic powder to taste (I normally use at least 3 tablespoons)
  5. Add salt to taste (I normally use at least 4 tablespoons)
  6. Cut the lime in half and squeeze out the juice of one piece. Stir and taste. If it's not enough start to add the second half one small squeeze at a time until it tastes good. Don't use too much juice! The juice also helps prevent graying.
  7. Serve immediately with tortilla chips or as a condiment otherwise store in a manner described above